Trillion Dollar Bailout: Another Awful Game

If you weren't already sickened enough by the freaking terrible Bailout Game, enjoy yet another inane bailout-based webgame with Trillion Dollar Bailout! This one makes all the same mistakes The Bailout Game made, but with less humor and an even worse presentation. As in the other one, there is no limit on the amount of money you can use, and the bailout money is always good. Okay, then why is there any debate? Just spend all the money in the world, forever, and the economy will be perfect! Yay!

I did several playthroughs (the "play again" button at the end doesn't work, though) and here were the results:

1. I gave bailout money to two homeowners then had to leave the computer to do something else. I came back a minute later to find I had won the game. Unbelievable. It's obviously a weak game if you have to do basically nothing to save the economy. God.

2. I then made a semi-serious playthrough in which I bailed out every homeowner who wasn't labeled "Happy Homeowner," but rather "Homeowner - Foreclosure" or something like that. I won, perfect score.

3. Then I went back through and bailed out every business guy at the top of the screen, instead. I saved the economy. There was apparently no difference, though it seemed like the recovery was a bit slower when I gave it to them. Still, just give out the money, and you win.

4. Now, and this is the good part, I just let the computer sit. I never gave any money to anyone, nor did I slap anyone, which rejects them. I came back thirty seconds later, and I had won. Oh my God, this is stupid.

5. Now I slapped everybody. That made the economy go down. What's the difference between slapping them and not giving them any money? It's the same thing! This appears to be the only way to lose the game.

So, in summation, there is no point to doing anything. You win if you stay totally idle. You can give money, (as much as you want with no repercussions), and you'll win. It's only if you slap people, which doesn't mean anything besides "I'm deciding not to give them money," that you can lose. There shouldn't be any difference between slapping and just missing someone. This fails as a game and as rhetoric, because it isn't fun or challenging in any way, and it fails to reflect anything about bailouts. Don't dare click over to the game, it just helps someone who doesn't deserve the attention for the extremely minimal effort they put into this game.

Sonic Retrospective, With Juicy Details

Just watch this video. I don't care if you don't see the others, but this video describes Sonic's conception as a character as a mixture between Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and Santa Claus. Also, his name was "Mr. Needle-Mouse." Awesome.

Critiquing Classics Through GameTap: Gravitar

Today's "Monday Leaderboard" challenge on GameTap is the Arcade version of 1982's Gravitar. Gravitar is a sort of shmup, in space, with Asteroids-style movement and shooting in the area just (and sometimes inside) planets. You start off in the map section of the game above, where you just have to fly to the planet you want for specific levels. The numbers correspond to the difficulty and bonus points possible from those levels. All of those levels except for "9000" have two or more ground turrets protecting the fuel in the ground (blue squares) that you have to destroy, while watching out for Space Invaders-y looking enemies that just kamikaze into you. The "9000" level requires that you navigate a difficult course to shoot a reactor then fly back out. Which is impossible, with these Asteroids controls.


So, the controls are sort of their own thing. Yeah, I may not like them, but with a better control system this might be a much easier game, as most of your learning curve is just focused on trying to get your ship to float just long enough above a turret so that you can shoot it without it shooting you or you falling into the ground. But, you have to be pointing in the direction you want to thrust, and pointing your ship around isn't extremely easy or quick, so it is very difficult to get into a quick hover, turn around, shoot four or five bullets (more on that later), then turn around and boost away from the ground in time. This process is also always being interrupted by the flying enemies, which you can't actually devote any time to destroying. If you shoot them, they come back faster than if you had just let them miss you and go around the planet surface, which is stupid.

Shooting is very erratic, like in a lot of old Atari arcade titles. You just keep pressing the button to shoot, most likely, and you'll shoot only four at a time, which is a real problem when you have to destroy both flying enemies, which are converging on you, or you have to shoot that turret quickly so you can turn back around and boost away. Having four bullets at a time wouldn't be so bad if there weren't already so much difficulty in just navigating to enemies.

There's just no point in going through the easy levels, score-wise. You'll get most of 2000 points for beating the easy "2000" level with only two turrets, but that's not a lot considering that the actually rather easy "6000" level gave me 12000 once I got past it. On the "6000" level, you must navigate a cave-like area, but half of your enemies are above you, not below you, which makes things infinitely easier. Plus, the flying enemies can't get to you down there. So, my biggest tip for the unskilled who want to win something at today's GameTap tournament, play that level first. If you beat it, you'll immediately have a better score than the vast majority of players.


I've been pretty pleased with the GameTap users' rating so far, as they actually use all ten numbers, and tend to aggregate to have good taste (though they hate some of my flight simulators and really old strategy games, it would seem). The GameTap users' rating of the game is a 6.2 currently. I gave the game a 7, because it is plenty fun once you have gotten some idea of how to control your craft and still shoot things. Yeah, difficult, but that's how it was in the 80's, when businesses weren't afraid to publish hard games. I'm sure I'll find plenty more of them in my next Critiquing Classics pieces.

GameTap is Freaking Awesome

GameTap, the game service that was until recently owned by TBS, is my new favorite thing. I played around with the free games on it several times in the past, but just now finally paid for the year subscription. I did it mostly to play the Sam & Max games while I was obsessed with adventure games, but I've found so much stuff that I can't believe it.

Every day, I find something else I'm just thrilled by. First of all, reliving the nostalgia games like Robotron, Centipede, and even Crystal Castles brought me was great. Then today I found that they had the first RTS, The Ancient Art of War, a game I wanted to play so badly that I bought the disks for it several years ago though I had no way of actually using them. There are plenty of only slightly old games that slipped through the cracks of my gaming expenditures, like Imperial Glory and a few of the old Prince of Persia games, so this is a really exciting thing for me.

There are negatives: You have to be connected to the internet, the games every now and then disappear, leaving you helpless, and, well, the cost isn't really an issue at $60 a year. With more than a thousand games for me to play around with and some pretty fun competitions online (I have to get that Sam & Max poster signed by Steve Purcell) this is a really great service.

I believe I may start doing some silly, "AVGN but just text" reviews of the old games found on GameTap as well, because I'm constantly thinking about that sort of thing while playing. Watch for that in the future.

I Don't Feel Comfortable Talking about "RapeLay"

You'll notice that there's no picture at the top of this article, and I'm not going to talk about this game for long, but rather provide links for anyone who actually wants to know about it. But, as a blog about controversial games, this has to be the worst I've heard of yet.

If you remember Sexy Beach 2, from the old X-Play episodes or wherever, this is from the same developers, and it's called RapeLay. It is a Japanese hentai, rape simulator game. Not even just a game that involves rape, oh no. It is a rape simulator. Your character goes through the implausible motions of publicly raping three different Japanese girls, with lots of nasty details that you can read at Something Awful instead of here.

Anyway, the reason this is in the news right now, is because Amazon.com was in trouble for selling it (through a private seller named hentaiguy). They recently kicked the game and hentaiguy off the website, unsurprisingly. If that game got into the United States in any real numbers, that would allow congressmen to be talking about something that isn't Custer's Revenge (1982) when they say "murder, violence, and even rape" are in today's video games.

Jack Thompson Returns in Utah

Jack Thompson had a while to think things through after being disbarred, and has come back with his most nefarious (or at least possible to accomplish) scheme yet. He's proposing a bill for the Utah legislature, the most likely to pass one of his bills into law whether or not it's constitutional, and the bill will focus on false advertising claims rather than right-out bans.

What he means by this is that retailers advertise or claim that they do not sell M-rated games to minors. As soon as they have proof that minors got the game from their store, they can be attacked on false advertising grounds.

The problem with that is, assuming it passes and then succeeds under judicial review should it come to that, retailers don't have to even say they won't sell the games to minors. If your choice, as a Target, Wal-Mart, or Gamestop, is to either:

1. Say you won't sell games to minors for a theoretical "family-friendly" boost in marketing, and actually make absolutely certain that no minors get their hands on an M-rated game,
2. or just dump the whole "protecting minors from filth" thing so you have no chance of legal trouble,

I think I'd go with option 2 there. It's a bit like the "Happy Holidays" versus "Merry Christmas" deal. The retailers wanted to not mention Christmas to ensure that they didn't go to court with Johnny Suefurmunny, even though saying Christmas was more likely to appeal to the vast majority of regular consumers. Option #2 is safer for business, so even if this bill is successful, it may just make it easier for Utah kids to buy M-rated games.

This Freakin' "Islam is the Light" Thing

Alright, you can read here if you want at GamePolitics, but basically the story is that a mom thought she heard a baby in the DS game Baby Pals say "Islam is the light." I have several numbered points to make about this bovine fecal matter:

1. "Islam is the light" isn't even a real phrase that anyone uses. A quick Google search for the phrase reveals that this story is apparently the only place anyone has thought to say it. I've never heard of this as a real phrase within the Muslim world.

2. It's freakin' baby talk. If you're thinking ahead of time, as you most certainly will be, you can think it sounds like "Islam is the light". That doesn't mean that some company got a baby to say that specifically, as they most certainly wouldn't have tried to coach the baby to say something specific at all.

3. This represents a dangerous and hurtful paranoia in America. "Islam" does not mean "evil" or "terrorist" or even "bad." I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, so whatever.

4. What a stupid evil plot. Yes, all of us doll and video game manufacturers (or perhaps just the sound effects company they licensed it from) are so evil, cunning, and Muslim, that we're going to make people think they're hearing baby talk, when in fact they're hearing praise of the Muslim religion! Then they'll... Be entirely unaffected until they complain about it and boycott the products. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

So, yeah, it's stupid, but you already knew that. For a slightly more entertaining version of the story, you can check out Penny Arcade as well.

Skate 2 Trophy/Achievement Guide

Here you go, tips and tricks to earn the trophies and achievements of Skate 2, from the writer of the walkthroughs for Skate 1 and 2, me.

Bronze

1. On Top Of The World - Perform an invert on one of the highest points in the city in career mode - Just wait until you unlock the SV Peak, then do a handplant on a ramp there. That's the easiest way if not the fastest.
   
2. Skater Evolved - Get off your board in career mode - You'll need to do this just to get through the tutorial
   
3. I Like To Move It - Move your first object in career mode - You'll need to do this just to get through the tutorial
4. That's the Way - Beat all of Danny Way's film challenges- Consult my Skate 2 walkthrough for Mahalo.
   
5. GVR Champ - Win the GVR Contest - The final challenge in the street contests.
   
6. Big Air Champ - Win the San Van-a-Slamma- The final challenge in the tranny contests.
   
7. Still Alive? - Win a Deathrace in career mode
8. Race Hero - Win all races in career mode
   
9. Where's my TV show? - Beat all Rob Dyrdek challenges- Consult my Skate 2 walkthrough for Mahalo.
10. Meet Slappy - Meet Slappy- You'll need to do this just to get through the tutorial
11. New San Van Hero - Call Mikey 10 times- Just every time you see that little crowbar icon in the upper left corner of your screen, use Mikey's service. Cruise around downtown if you really can't just get this over time.
    
12. Pull the Plug - Drain every pool and fountain in career mode- There are 7 pools and several fountains. You can find all the pools after the game is over, as the remaining Thrasher missions will take you to them, but I can't find a simple map at this moment, check back here for me to upload one. Check this picture out for what the secret extra fountain looks like.
    
13. Real Estate Mogul - Purchase all property in career mode- There are only 2 properties: the Fun Track and the Monster Clubhouse. You can buy the Monster Clubhouse for 200,000 dollars after beating the team challenges.
    
14. Fully Sponsored - Obtain all sponsorships- Basically just beat every challenge, you get a different sponsor depending on which line of challenges you have just finished.
    
15. The Architect - Upload a created spot
16. The Critic - Rate 10 community videos and photos
17. Pwn some n00bs - Win an online ranked match
18. Amateur Skater - Achieve Amateur Rank Online- I believe this requires only getting 1 bronze medal (100 xp) in one of the six event types.
    
19. Graphically Extreme - Add a custom graphic to your skater- As in, create a custom board or other piece of merchandise in the edit skater screen.
    
20. Dethrowned - Download and own a community-created spot
21. Skater's Choice - Win the Skater's choice award in an online ranked match- This is the little thumbs up next to a skater on the final standings in a Hall of Meat or Spot Battle match-up. It's based on who voted for who with the face buttons online, usually rewarding consistency or hilarious wipeouts in Hall of Meat.
    
22. Juggling Chainsaws - Wipeout at high speed in career mode- Not sure exactly what speed counts as high speed, but just roll down Cougar Mountain or the Rez roads for a bit before crashing.
    
23. Skitched Up - Skitch for 1000 meters or 3000 feet in career mode- Skitch by pressing R1 or the corresponding Xbox 360 button (someone tell me what that is) while behind a car. You may need to swing around behind it in the correct direction before turns so you don't fall away from it.
    
24. Make it Big! - Use Big Black's service 10 times in Career Mode- If you want, you can just hire him, then go into your cellphone menu and fire him ten times in a row. You need to unlock him first, obviously.
    
25. Running Man - Escape a chase off board in career mode- You don't have to escape off board the entire way, just walk over the border where they can't get you off your board after making most of the way there on board. The curb is typically the cut-off point where you reach "Freedom!"
    
26. DIY - Spend 30 minutes moving objects in career mode- I did this by putting a rubber band around my controller to hold the R1 button down, and it worked like a charm.
    
27. Good Samaritan - Knock down a security guard chasing another skater in career mode- Don't actively try to do this, just let it happen eventually. I mean, if you see a security guard actually chasing a skater, go for him, but there's not really any way to actively pursue this achievement.
    
28. Need for Speed - Maintain maximum speed for 5 seconds in career mode - Either skitch or just go down a hill and hang on without bailing for long enough.
    
29. Sandbag - Break at least 15 bones in a single wipeout in career mode
30. Gender Bender - Change your skater's gender- In the body enhancements section of edit skater. Just change gender and change back, you won't lose anything.
    
31. Grasshopper - Perform one grass gap of at least 10 meters or 30 feet in career mode- I'll try to come up with a specific spot for this soon.
32. Stairmaster - Perform one stair gap of at least 12 meters or 36 feet in career mode- If you don't get it beforehand, you'll receive this for successfully completing the 3rd Set's a Charm mission.
    
33. Uninsurable - Break 100 bones in career mode- Just let this happen over time. This should happen pretty quickly when you start on the Hall of Meat challenges.
    
34. Playing Nice Together - Complete your first online freeskate activity with your created skater
35. Cooperation is key - Complete 50 online freeskate activities with your created skater

Silver

1. SBM Cover - Get the cover of The Skateboard Mag- Consult my Skate 2 walkthrough for Mahalo.
2. Thrasher Cover - Get the cover of Thrasher- Consult my Skate 2 walkthrough for Mahalo.
3. How you like them apples? - Acquire all phone numbers for the pros- beat all the pro missions, basically. Consult my Skate 2 walkthrough for Mahalo.
4. Anyone Else? - Beat all the pros at Throwdown challenges- requires that you get all phone numbers first.
   
5. Spare Parts - All Hall Of Meat paths complete- Hall of Meat guide coming soon on Mahalo.
   
6. Urban Legend Too - Own all spots in career mode- Check out my spot map here at Mahalo.com.
   
7. Active Skater - Successfully complete all online freeskate activities with your created skater- a rather ridiculous requirement in my opinion, a lot of work, especially if you don't have about five friends who are constantly willing to play with you online.
   
8. Online Pro - Achieve Pro Rank Online- Requires 3 bronze medals in different events and one silver one.
   
9. Taste The Mongo - Mongo Push 5000 times in career mode- Get used to pushing Mongo instead of regular. I tended to push regular out of habit, and even after playing the entire game through, I have about 3000 more Mongo pushes to do. If you can find a spot to tape the button down or something, you can do one push per second, making for 83 minutes of Mongo pushing.
   

Gold

1. Perfectionist - Complete all paths in career mode- Consult my Skate 2 walkthrough for Mahalo.
2. Online Legend - Achieve Legend Rank Online- Not the same as Icon rank, as you'd suspect because the previous two were for amateur and pro, but rather just achieve legend rank on a single event, equivalent to 5000 exp.